• Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5
    5,025 replies, posted
I know I've said this before, but I swear to God, I fucking hate the aspie part of my brain, it just blinds me to the bigger picture. Really, can't a neurologist fix it with drugs or something?
[QUOTE=RoboChimp;52818416] Really, can't a neurologist fix it with drugs or something?[/QUOTE] Not without a list of side-effects that is so bad that you'll prefer just going without the meds. Hence why ASD is most often approached with therapy of various types. Speaking as someone who currently strongly believes she is also an aspie - I can sympathize. It's so goddamn frustrating when your brain just does NOT want to cooperate with you.
With losing my grandmother back at the beginning of June and just over a week after my birthday, and then losing my dog i'd had for thirteen years (just over half of my life so far) a month later, I was depressed enough to dive into FFXIV extensively. Now a few months later my depression's setting in again on top of anxiety attacks from a goddamn bed bug infestation. My house doesn't have enough places to sleep for my family efficiently, and our laziness allowed them to spread combined with the problem that we're massive packrats with crap all over the house. Worse yet, we have to clean what we can on our own because my mother refuses to let our mess of a house be seen by an exterminator, despite the fact that the little bastards are now hiding under wall decorations. I can't find the source of them in my room but they're biting me at night, and my mother sprayed her room and failed to kill them, which is causing the ones in there to spread around the house now that she's trying to sleep elsewhere. Now I keep imagining every single tingle and itch as a bed bug and i'm going fucking batshit at the worst time. The amount of stuff we may have to theoretically throw out is by and far nightmarish, especially if we really have to toss the mattresses and significant furniture out.
My mother passed away a week ago at 44. Throughout said the week has has been an absolute hell for me on top of my anxiety and depression to the point I nearly succumbed to my grief and almost committed suicide.
[QUOTE=NinjaGuy913;52819659]My mother passed away a week ago at 44. Throughout said the week has has been an absolute hell for me on top of my anxiety and depression to the point I nearly succumbed to my grief and almost committed suicide.[/QUOTE] i'm sorry to hear about your mother, my mom passed around that age too at a time in which i didn't really have the social support to grief properly, if you are in a very bad place you can pm me or something
it's interesting how that as my depression got worse and worse I didn't notice how I very slowly just stopped feeling like I was actually fully awake all the time a few weeks ago I got a lift home from school because I'd gotten a fever. I went to bed because I was so exhausted, and I promptly fell asleep. when I was abrubtly woken up by a text message on my phone, it almost felt like I'd woken up after being in a sort of coma for years. it felt really good everything felt so vivid
Hemorrhoids Fuck em in the [I]ASS-[/I] wait no, it's painful
I've been alluding to this and hinting at it and being all ~mysterious~ for the last two months and I need to stop being a fucking pansy and just tell somebody, but I have nobody to tell but you chucklefucks I was super excited to go to college to study game art and design and live in residence, but starting with missing the first day of a few of my classes thanks to my poor sleep schedule, I've slowly lost control and sunk into my stupid fucking anxiety. I've missed assignments I was having no issues with at first; I spent a week hiding in my dorm room out of some sudden paranoia I couldn't place but couldn't beat out of the way either, putting me further behind, which was followed by me briefly getting better and beginning to put things back together, until the college went on strike on the 16th and has been shutdown since then, and despite now having time to try and catch up (though I'm probably fucked anyways) I felt worse than before. Can't motivate myself to do shit; even taking my pills in the morning is a pain, because until I've had them I'm irrationally paranoid about being seen by my roommates (whom I don't dislike or anything, but don't have much in common with, and none of us have been able to really talk to each other). I still want to do this course so badly but I've completely fucked up my first semester, don't know if there's any coming back from that, and don't know how to tell my parents. I've been lying to my family that I'm feeling alright because I don't want them to worry, and their attempts to help always just end in more anxiety for all of us and my dad blaming me; and I have no means of talking to my family doctor any time soon. Uuuuuuuuuuugggggggggghhhhhhh. What is the point of posting this
[QUOTE=_charon;52821379]I've been alluding to this and hinting at it and being all ~mysterious~ for the last two months and I need to stop being a fucking pansy and just tell somebody, but I have nobody to tell but you chucklefucks I was super excited to go to college to study game art and design and live in residence, but starting with missing the first day of a few of my classes thanks to my poor sleep schedule, I've slowly lost control and sunk into my stupid fucking anxiety. I've missed assignments I was having no issues with at first; I spent a week hiding in my dorm room out of some sudden paranoia I couldn't place but couldn't beat out of the way either, putting me further behind, which was followed by me briefly getting better and beginning to put things back together, until the college went on strike on the 16th and has been shutdown since then, and despite now having time to try and catch up (though I'm probably fucked anyways) I felt worse than before. Can't motivate myself to do shit; even taking my pills in the morning is a pain, because until I've had them I'm irrationally paranoid about being seen by my roommates (whom I don't dislike or anything, but don't have much in common with, and none of us have been able to really talk to each other). I still want to do this course so badly but I've completely fucked up my first semester, don't know if there's any coming back from that, and don't know how to tell my parents. I've been lying to my family that I'm feeling alright because I don't want them to worry, and their attempts to help always just end in more anxiety for all of us and my dad blaming me; and I have no means of talking to my family doctor any time soon. Uuuuuuuuuuugggggggggghhhhhhh. What is the point of posting this[/QUOTE] Hey you in Ontario too?? My college also went on strike last week regarding the college workers not getting paid well or whatever. Regarding your situation, I felt the same way. I stupidly missed 2 big tests because I was burnt out one day and forgot we had it and coffee spilled in my bad so I had to go back and and dry up everything rather than let my self and laptop get soaked in coffee. Within these weeks though, I've managed to force myself to finish my assignments and work on some personal projects as well. Even got a part time job which I'm really loving so far! Can I ask what you are studying in game design? More 3D or programming or animation?
[QUOTE=_charon;52821379]I've been alluding to this and hinting at it and being all ~mysterious~ for the last two months and I need to stop being a fucking pansy and just tell somebody, but I have nobody to tell but you chucklefucks I was super excited to go to college to study game art and design and live in residence, but starting with missing the first day of a few of my classes thanks to my poor sleep schedule, I've slowly lost control and sunk into my stupid fucking anxiety. I've missed assignments I was having no issues with at first; I spent a week hiding in my dorm room out of some sudden paranoia I couldn't place but couldn't beat out of the way either, putting me further behind, which was followed by me briefly getting better and beginning to put things back together, until the college went on strike on the 16th and has been shutdown since then, and despite now having time to try and catch up (though I'm probably fucked anyways) I felt worse than before. Can't motivate myself to do shit; even taking my pills in the morning is a pain, because until I've had them I'm irrationally paranoid about being seen by my roommates (whom I don't dislike or anything, but don't have much in common with, and none of us have been able to really talk to each other). I still want to do this course so badly but I've completely fucked up my first semester, don't know if there's any coming back from that, and don't know how to tell my parents. I've been lying to my family that I'm feeling alright because I don't want them to worry, and their attempts to help always just end in more anxiety for all of us and my dad blaming me; and I have no means of talking to my family doctor any time soon. Uuuuuuuuuuugggggggggghhhhhhh. What is the point of posting this[/QUOTE] Is there an on-campus counseling office available to you? I had pretty good success using it when I was struggling my senior year of college. It's short-term most likely but it's just a better opportunity to vent to someone who doesn't know you on the level of a family doctor. Also, first semesters--hell the first year--of college is always difficult. Don't think you can't crawl out of this whole because you can. Take your meds, seek out counseling and see what happens. You have winter break approaching to pull yourself together.
I feel utterly alone a lot of the time because I have trouble making meaningful contact with other people. I have been alone for a few months, since school started. I still go home everyday, but I absolutely crave somebody elses care, but at the same time I fight myself by isolating myself from others, and when I do put myself out there, the anxiety kicks in, I don't know what to say, don't know what to do (although I do and the anxiety feels like its just holding me back) and most of the time when i'm walking somewhere, I feel so awkward walking, and just feel uncomfortable. I scape my feet and my body language is awkward. The only time I feel generally free is when I have a little bit of alcohol. The first time I ever drank it was an experience because it was like there was nothing holding me back, no anxiety. But I know at the same time I can't really rely on that. Also I don't know how far this anxiety goes, how bad it actually is. But I am fairly certain it's there. The loneliness is unbearable, it fucking sucks. Also i'm pretty sure it's a chemical thing because some days I can walk fine while still thinking about it, noting how i'm able to walk fine, while other days it's so fucking difficult to walk down a street without constantly thinking about how awkward I look. If I didn't give a shit I would be perfectly fine. Like those days where i'm fine, or I had a little drink, i'm pretty well off, and I feel fairly good. The rest of the time, i'm in a miserable loop that I desperately want to get out of. Another thing that doesn't help is I have to commute, so I don't really get to stay on campus for activities. I want to move out desperately, but they won't let me. I don't have the money, and they want to keep me there. I don't know what to do about that either. Also another thing i've noticed is sometimes I look in the mirror and feel like I look shit, then proceed to feel more anxiety, but then when I check the mirror about 10 minutes later, I magically look better, which is weird. One time I noted this, so I said, "This could all be in your head" so I went to the bathroom as I had checked the mirror and I felt I looked like shit, ready to take a picture, but when I looked in the mirror, I looked fine. I still took the picture, which I looked at, and it looked ugly. There are pictures I have taken where I thought I looked good in, and now they look bad, and pictures that I thought I looked extremely bad in, but looked good now.
[QUOTE=Psych+;52823154]Is there an on-campus counseling office available to you? I had pretty good success using it when I was struggling my senior year of college. It's short-term most likely but it's just a better opportunity to vent to someone who doesn't know you on the level of a family doctor. Also, first semesters--hell the first year--of college is always difficult. Don't think you can't crawl out of this whole because you can. Take your meds, seek out counseling and see what happens. You have winter break approaching to pull yourself together.[/QUOTE] There is, yeah; have just had trouble finding an opportunity to see them. And thanks. [editline]26th October 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=Swaggernaut;52822171]Hey you in Ontario too?? My college also went on strike last week regarding the college workers not getting paid well or whatever. Regarding your situation, I felt the same way. I stupidly missed 2 big tests because I was burnt out one day and forgot we had it and coffee spilled in my bad so I had to go back and and dry up everything rather than let my self and laptop get soaked in coffee. Within these weeks though, I've managed to force myself to finish my assignments and work on some personal projects as well. Even got a part time job which I'm really loving so far! Can I ask what you are studying in game design? More 3D or programming or animation?[/QUOTE] Yeah, I'm at Fanshawe. More interested in the 3D stuff, though first year isn't terribly focused on anything; took Computer Science at the University of Windsor before this, but found that while I liked programming, I was getting frustrated and anxious without doing any art stuff and it wasn't hands-on enough for me
Since I had terrible experiences with SSRIs, my therapist has replaced it with a different type, this time with SNRIs (Duloxetine). Does anyone have any experience with this type? I'm always nervous trying out new medications, especially with my anxiety and bad experience from my last try, but since this is from a different class, it should go well. I've read it also helps with nerve pain (peripheral neuropathy) which I have been having for quite a long time. What I notice is that once I have been diagnosed with GAD, I felt relieved in a way. Like I know what's going on, so it is somewhat more bearable to control, at least to an extent. Before that I kept having panic attacks and been freaking out because I was both on calcium/magnesium suppliments and beta blockers for my high blood pressure (which I still need to take for quite a while) and wasn't sure why it kept happening. Usually vitamin deficiencies used to do it for me, but not this time. Also was at a job fair today, hoping to find a suitable job to change my daily routine from doing freelance to walk to my job, which for me are usually in a different city, so taking train rides will be common routine. I noticed that having a work life and personal life merged can really tend to workaholism (not having a separate office to keep the two apart). That's a routine I'm willing to take, even if it's requires me to wake up earlier if it's for the sake of well being.
[QUOTE=atrblizzard;52824225]Since I had terrible experiences with SSRIs, my therapist has replaced it with a different type, this time with SNRIs (Duloxetine). Does anyone have any experience with this type? I'm always nervous trying out new medications, especially with my anxiety and bad experience from my last try, but since this is from a different class, it should go well. I've read it also helps with nerve pain (peripheral neuropathy) which I have been having for quite a long time. What I notice is that once I have been diagnosed with GAD, I felt relieved in a way. Like I know what's going on, so it is somewhat more bearable to control, at least to an extent. Before that I kept having panic attacks and been freaking out because I was both on calcium/magnesium suppliments and beta blockers for my high blood pressure (which I still need to take for quite a while) and wasn't sure why it kept happening. Usually vitamin deficiencies used to do it for me, but not this time. Also was at a job fair today, hoping to find a suitable job to change my daily routine from doing freelance to walk to my job, which for me are usually in a different city, so taking train rides will be common routine. I noticed that having a work life and personal life merged can really tend to workaholism (not having a separate office to keep the two apart). That's a routine I'm willing to take, even if it's requires me to wake up earlier if it's for the sake of well being.[/QUOTE] So, with any new drug, you want to take it as prescribed, and report any side effects you have. If you start having any form of suicidal/homicidal thoughts then you need to report those IMMEDIATELY. Generally speaking you should probably have lab work done as well, to make sure that you're not lacking in electrolytes/minerals/vitamins (though it sounds like you already had those done). Just relax about the meds, if you start having a bad time then report it and don't take it, there are plenty of meds out there, and not everything works with everyone. Might I suggest injecting some exercise into your day (assuming you have time). I have GAD and working out around 30 minutes a day, and changing my diet up a bit really helped knock it back down, to the point that I didn't even need meds anymore.
It appears everything has come to a halt in my life. University plans are being delayed, the school year isn't going nearly as fast as people speculated, and, worst of all, I've lost all drive. I've posted elsewhere on Facepunch that I've recently distanced myself from my "friends" ever since realising how insanely conniving they all are. The problem? I'm essentially all alone and that, combined with the fact everything else in my life feels like a tedious chore that drags, is taking a toll on me but I'm not sure to what extent. I saw someone use the word 'limbo' earlier and I feel like it explains my situation - nothing is going forwards nor backwards. The weirdest part is that I'm not sad about it, not in the slightest. I'm completely neutral about it all, as though this is typical Friday behaviour that I've come to expect. There's no motivation, just a feeling of almost boredom, with absolutely everything I do. Eating feels like a chore, responding to people tires me out and directly socialising can actually drain me. I'm not trying to jump on a wagon of "I'M DEPRESSED!" because I've witnessed far too many people self-diagnose themselves, only to be told that they couldn't be further from the truth. I'm just unhappy with how quickly I've become accustomed to being unhappy, if that makes sense, but I'm not one to inquire, in case it appears I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. In a way, I think I'm just talking aloud.
So one of the first things the psychiatrist said in our first meeting was that it doesn't sound like I'm depressed, just stressed... What?
[QUOTE=TheCactusman;52824848]So one of the first things the psychiatrist said in our first meeting was that it doesn't sound like I'm depressed, just stressed... What?[/QUOTE] Maybe they're saying that the root cause of your issue is stress, vs depression.
[QUOTE=ilikecorn;52825061]Maybe they're saying that the root cause of your issue is stress, vs depression.[/QUOTE] All I had said at that point was that right now I was going through something, and then she jumped onto that as everything causing me problems. When it's been years of constant problems with other causes that I've never been able to deal with. [editline]27th October 2017[/editline] The lowness I'm going through right this second is NOT stress related in anyway.
[QUOTE=TheCactusman;52825101]All I had said at that point was that right now I was going through something, and then she jumped onto that as everything causing me problems. When it's been years of constant problems with other causes that I've never been able to deal with. [editline]27th October 2017[/editline] The lowness I'm going through right this second is NOT stress related in anyway.[/QUOTE] What are you hoping to gain from seeing your psychiatrist? Therapy? Meds? I'm asking because my advice will change depending on what you're really looking for out of a psychiatrist.
On the positive side, I have some friends and people on here don't flat out reject me despite mistakes of the past.
I kind of feel like my life is pointless. My job makes me miserable. But I don't have much of a real choice because the other option is not have enough money to survive. My long distance bf keeps assuring me that moving to him (Cambrige, Mass.) is a good idea and that the TSA is a good paying job. Problem is, that would make me feel even more worthless and pointless. TSA don't actually make anyone safer, and I wouldn't be making anything physical like I do now, just making people miserable. Not to mention that I don't really do well around people, much less having to touch them. I'm trying to move out around Feb which I can if I keep this job as I have for 4 years. But I don't know if I'll be happy. My other plans that might of made me happier are looking shaky so I've fallen back on moving out locally. My job has stressed me out and made me miserable that what I like doing, I can't really bring myself to do. I wish I could do what I like as a job, but due to lack of connections, my social ineptitude, and tendancy to have meltdowns, it can't support me. The person I was going to plan on moving in with me has shown to be unable to control themselves emotionally and I put that plan on hold indefinately until they sort themselves out. Because I can't take the stress of someone else being emotional and upset. Right now, it looks like being alone is the only option left for me. I don't know what I'm doing with my life, and honestly I don't know if it's going to get any better. I don't know, I guess I'm just whining. That's all I'm usally doing. That's what everyone says I'm doing. That it's just my stupid fucking fault things are the way they are. I don't know why I tell anyone. I don't even know if it makes any difference. Maybe I'm just lying. Everyone has always said I always lie. I don't tell the truth. I can't be trusted. I don't trust my own thoughts. I don't believe myself. No one has believed me. I just assume everyone else is right, because apparently they are. They always have been. And I get angry at people because they trick and backstab me, but I guess I deserve it anyways. I don't know why people expect me to do the right thing if all I ever do is fuck up. I don't make good choices. I don't make sound choices to begin with because to think means to freeze indefinately. So I rely on impulse because it's the only way I get things done. Or just simply zone out and stop thinking entirely. Why am I even bothering with this? What good is this going to do? Why is it when something good is about to happen...at least it feels like it's good, everything just fucking falls apart? Does some fucking enity out there just want to see me suffer? It's why I don't believe in God either. If he really is all powerful and loving and in control of everything ,he's doing a fucking shitty job. I'm afraid of living on my own. It's difficult to do anything, I seem to be having more and more trouble controlling myself. I don't know. I can't stop editing this post and rambling more. I don't know why.
[QUOTE=RoboChimp;52825836]On the positive side, I have some friends and people on here don't flat out reject me despite mistakes of the past.[/QUOTE] that is such a nice feeling, when you're alone and feel like you've got nothing and a friend manages to get through to you and save you from yourself
[QUOTE=mdeceiver79;52826591]that is such a nice feeling, when you're alone and feel like you've got nothing and a friend manages to get through to you and save you from yourself[/QUOTE] It's a really nice feeling helping someone pull through and seeing them be happy again. I really enjoy doing it. Although I've had a lot of issues with people treating me like their personal therapist and/or dumping their life on me every day with no regard towards my own feelings. Outside of my close friends, I consider myself very lucky if I get a "How are you?".
[QUOTE=The golden;52826688]It's a really nice feeling helping someone pull through and seeing them be happy again. I really enjoy doing it. Although I've had a lot of issues with people treating me like their personal therapist and/or dumping their life on me every day with no regard towards my own feelings. Outside of my close friends, I consider myself very lucky if I get a "How are you?".[/QUOTE] You've established yourself as a rock in peoples lives, a golden lighthouse on the hill. I think its realistic to only expect that sort of help/attentiveness from close friends - which isn't a bad thing, gotta consider that maybe people think you got it all sorted out and aren't aware of your issues, or they're too deeply engulfed by their own life that they can't see whats going on around them. Personally I'd find being obliged to/spend sufficient time with more than a few people a huge burden, feeling like if you didn't reply to them you'd be letting them down or making them feel ignored, its hard enough for me and I don't have that many people.
[QUOTE=ilikecorn;52824341]So, with any new drug, you want to take it as prescribed, and report any side effects you have. If you start having any form of suicidal/homicidal thoughts then you need to report those IMMEDIATELY. Generally speaking you should probably have lab work done as well, to make sure that you're not lacking in electrolytes/minerals/vitamins (though it sounds like you already had those done). Just relax about the meds, if you start having a bad time then report it and don't take it, there are plenty of meds out there, and not everything works with everyone. Might I suggest injecting some exercise into your day (assuming you have time). I have GAD and working out around 30 minutes a day, and changing my diet up a bit really helped knock it back down, to the point that I didn't even need meds anymore.[/QUOTE] I guess you're right, I should just take it easy and see how things go with this med. That's what I did with the last one, seen it made things much worse so I reported it and was told to stop taking them, so they were now replaced with SNRIs instead. I'm currently uninsured now, hoping after I get a job soon I'll look into having more lab work done just to be on the safe side. Probably would be better if I take it easy with working out for now, at least until I see how the meds progress over these few weeks, but after that sure.
[QUOTE=ilikecorn;52825775]What are you hoping to gain from seeing your psychiatrist? Therapy? Meds? I'm asking because my advice will change depending on what you're really looking for out of a psychiatrist.[/QUOTE] Therapy and some semblance of what's actually wrong with me. I have meds already and they're barely doing anything (though my dose is going to be increased)
The past two days I've been engulfed in Stellaris and I've felt better with my self as a result - but as soon as I decide to quit for the day its as if nothing has changed. I don't expect that games will heal my head in any way but I do expect some temporary relief. I've had a good time, so shouldn't I be content for at least a short while? That is just one of many similar situations. I try to find ways to distract myself, either by being productive (chores etc) or seeking out entertainment. I usually feel somewhat okay during these activities but as soon as I feel done with whatever, its back to that dull state of mind. It makes me wonder, how do others deal with this? Is this something everyone is challenged with or is this a problem reserved for those who already struggle with mental illness? How do you deal with this?
[QUOTE=TheCactusman;52828014]Therapy and some semblance of what's actually wrong with me. I have meds already and they're barely doing anything (though my dose is going to be increased)[/QUOTE] What meds are you taking, if you don't mind me asking, and what dosages? As for your goals, next time you visit, make your goals clear, tell your doc exactly what you're hoping to accomplish. That'll help them narrow down what to do. Is this a new doctor you're seeing, or have you seen them in the past?
[QUOTE=ilikecorn;52828638]What meds are you taking, if you don't mind me asking, and what dosages? As for your goals, next time you visit, make your goals clear, tell your doc exactly what you're hoping to accomplish. That'll help them narrow down what to do. Is this a new doctor you're seeing, or have you seen them in the past?[/QUOTE] Venlafaxine, 75mg a day. It's a psychiatrist I've only had one meeting with, and I'll be getting a phone call within the next week about what we're going to do
[QUOTE=TheCactusman;52829272]Venlafaxine, 75mg a day. It's a psychiatrist I've only had one meeting with, and I'll be getting a phone call within the next week about what we're going to do[/QUOTE] Ok, so on your next meeting, make your goals clear. Is your end goal to be off medication entirely? Or are you looking to manage your symptoms better? If your doc is anywhere near competent they'll listen to what you have to say and form a proper treatment plan to help you accomplish those goals.
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